miercuri, 20 noiembrie 2013

gimme something to forget

I saw this quote somewhere on FB, which was saying: "don't wait for the oportunity, create it". I think this may suite to almost every moment of our lives, actually, it should suit in each moment of our lives. But it doesn't.
Another quote (again from FB) says: "People don't take trips, trips take people" (and I've realised this quote belongs to John Steinbeck).
Reading these quotes I've realised I've made a step forward. I've created a step on my "supposed-to-be-a-long-beautiful-life" and this might be the best thing I've ever done for me. It's quite hard to be so far away from all the things I used to call home, but still so beautiful, because this is all I ever wanted. It's like a paradoxal situation in which you enjoy the pain (don't go to S&M meanings). Still somehow I feel like I'm incomplete, like something it's missing. I don't even know what exactly I'm missing. Maybe I'm missing painting, or privacy, or... No. I think it comes from the habits. I was used to some sort of things. That's why all these strange feelings.
I think I miss being alone in my room. I miss shopping – I definitelly need shopping. I miss A., but somehow I miss everything and...
When I really think of this stuff I realise I don't really miss it. It's not a real miss. It's... it's like when you are in holiday and somehow you feel like you're empty without going to school, but when the school actually starts, you realise how good was without it and that you want holiday again. And this circle repeats over and over. I know that if someone would tell: O.K., let's go back home, I would feel even more empty, because what I have now is what I want.
I think I'm gonna take my notebooks (some kind of diaries) from Red. I need them and I'll show you some of my feelings from my 12's, when all I wanted was to be far away from home.
Now I am.
I also think about something, some words Caroline from The Originals said. It was like happines is not happines without having someone to enjoy with or something this way. It might be true.
I've always had this paranoia of not loosing people so I tried not to get too attached to them. I realise I did, it is involuntary. Now I somehow miss and I've come to what I didn't want.
The good fact is that people come and friends remain. And nothing seem changed, but if I look twice, everything is different. Or not. Oh, I'm so dizzy. I want a vodka.


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